Knock and Run Voldie
by nvoll
Summary: ONESHOT Harry and Ron decide to play a bit of Knock and Run on Voldemort for his Birthday Now a series of Oneshots where pranks a pulled on Voldemort
1. Knock and Run Voldie

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter or any of its stuff i just like it enough to make my own writings about it

**Knock and Run Voldie**

"Remind me again why where doing this Harry?" asked Ron for about the 50th time that evening. "Honestly Ron and you call yourself Fred and George's brother. Where pranking Voldie cause its funny and more importantly it's his birthday – Now be quiet i think that's him coming now. Harry and Ron looked out from behind the bush they were hiding Voldemort was flying his Dark Lord Carpet down to his house Riddle Manor in Little Hangleton. Jumping off his carpet he made his way into his house.

"Ready Ron lets go." Harry and Ron made their way out from behind the bush levitating a large brown paper bag in front of them. "Where did you get that from anyway harry its HUMUNGOUS" asked Ron. "Oh that was easy, I told Hagrid Professor Sprout was making some fertilizer and she needed Giant three headed dog poo for it so he went to Fluffys pen and got it for me," said harry as if it was an everyday kind of thing. "Makes sense," said Ron.

Getting to the front door harry lowered the paper bag full of Fluffys humongous dog turd onto the welcome mat at the front door. "Okay Ron read on the count of three – One – Two – Three!" Ron Rang the doorbell while harry cast that blue bell flame spell he learnt from Hermione on the brown paper bag. "RUN" Harry and Ron quickly scampered back to the bush they were hiding in.

"I'm coming" they heard Voldemort yell from somewhere within the house. The front door opened and Voldemort stepped out "Holly Shit my house" he yelled and promptly started jumping on the fire to get it out, Ron and Harry were cackling with glee as the flaming dog turd splashed up onto Voldemort robes which promptly started to burn. "When i find you little shits who did this I'm going to A K your arses off!" yelled an irate semi robed Voldemort who had now gained enough sense to use his wand and pour water over the fire and vanish the dog turd.

Big smoking purple letters formed in front of Voldemort Happy Birthday Voldie – poo Lots of Hate Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley. "ILL GET YOUR POTTER AND YOUR LITTLE WESEL TOO!" Yelled Voldemort who was now crying because they had ruined his 78th birthday party and he knew Lucius was going to give him a stern talking to for ruining the robes he bought him only two days before as an early birthday present.

Ron and Harry snickered before apparating away to think up more schemes for their favourite dark lord.

**A.N. Okay so that's my first attempt at a one shot i have no idea where it came from only that I thought i wonder what would happen if someone did a know and run on our favourite Dark Lord - Nvoll**


	2. Mystery Messages

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Harry Potter i wish i did but i don't if you know of a way i can with out going over fifty dollars be sure to contact me.

**A.N. **So originally this was a one shot but I'm going to make it into a bunch of one shots where Voldie gets pranked. Hope you like it – Nvoll

**Mystery Messages**

Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley were currently hiding in the rafters of Slytherien Hall, the meeting place for Lord Voldemort and his death eaters underneath Harry's invisibility cloak.

"You did manage to get in old Moldywarts bedroom didn't you Ron?" asked Harry

"Of course I did," said Ron

FLASHBACK

Ron was underneath Harry's invisibility cloak carefully sneaking down the halls of Slytherien castle trying to find his favourite dark lords bed room. _Hmmm this looks like the room _thought Ron as he looked at a pair of large mahogany doors with the inscription

_Lord Voldemort  
Dark Lord Supreme  
Ruler of the Known World  
Order of Morgana First Class  
Winner of most evil laugh, five times running in Dark Lords Weekly_

Ron placed a careful alohomora on the door and entered it was a large room bare stone walls and floors with a deep black furniture. He quickly made his way over to Voldemorts dresser, found the draw for his _leading a death eater meeting_ robes and placed those charms Fred and George had taught him the other day.

END FLASHBACK

Down below in the hall Voldemort had arrived with his robes billowing in such a way that it could rival Severus Snapes own trade mark billowing.

"WORMTAIL" Bellowed Voldemort.

"You called master," said Wormatail as he scurried forward and kissed his masters robes before kneeling in front of his dark lord and master.

"Crucio-" Voldemort cast the spell so fast that wormtail didn't have enough time to react, admittedly you would have to give Wormatail a two weeks prior notice sent to him by owl in triplicate with half hourly reminders and even then your chances of him being prepared for being Crucio would be slim even if the dark lord casts it on him daily and you would think it would be almost a schedule by now but no of course the dim witted man was surprised once again and as such in unbearable pain as the curse did its job.

Voldemort lifted the curse "Call my followers you dim witted fool."

"Of course master," replied Wormtail as he pointed his wand at his arm calling all death eaters in a few moments and after the sound of pop corn popping subsided all death eaters were present.

"Okay Ron activate it," said Harry. Ron whipped out his wand pointed it at Voldemort and mumbled and incantation.

The death eaters were now crawling forward one by one to kiss there masters robes hem however each time one of the kissed him his robes would flash a message not that he noticed but the death eaters shore did.

Lucius kissed his hem,

_My teddy is called Dark Lord Snuggles_

McNair Kissed his Hem

_I married a muggle stripper in Vegas_

Bellatrix kissed his hem

_My dad's a muggle_

Avery kissed his hem

_Call me Voldie Poo_

The death eaters couldn't hold it in they started to uncontrollably laugh at Voldemort well maybe that's not quite right many of them were at least semi composed until Ron and Harry started using tickling hexes. And yet his robes still changed and he was getting irate.

_I love Gryffindor - Slytherien sucks_

_I wear pink undies_

_Severus Snap makes me horny_

_I love New York_

Voldemort now realized the gold glow coming off his body was not the aura of power he thought it was it was big iridescent lettering mocking him, "Finite" it did nothing if anything the messages flashed faster

_Bellatrix makes me flaccid_

_My wand is in short order_

_I call Dumbledore my Sex Puppy_

It was too much the dark lord was going to have a break down and his death eaters who hadn't fallen subject to a tickling hex were now laughing as hard as the ones who did it was just too much for them who cares if he can Crucio them until the meet the Longbottoms it was just downright hilarious.

"Who did this?" Yelled an irate Voldemort who was twitching violently with rage. "I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO DID THIS!" no one answered him they were still laughing and laughing seemed to have this weird effect where it cancelled out any pain caused by the cruciatus curse so his torture methods just didn't work.

Voldemort was now screaming like a toddler demanding candy from his mummy stamping and flaying his arms and feet around. "TELL ME NOW!" he yelled again but it went unnoticed everyone was laughing at him.

"I HATE YOU ALL! I HOPE YOU ALL DIE" and he ran out of the room balling his eyes out with yells like "I'm coming Mr. Dark Lord Snuggles" and such.

Harry and Ron recovered enough to send out a final farewell to Voldemort

_WITH LOTS OF LOVE RONALD WEASLEY AND HARRY POTTER_

_For similar pranks head down to Weasleys Wizards Wheezes Diagon Alley_

Ron and Harry then Apparated away to the relative safety of the burrow in the following weeks Weasleys Wizards Wheezes was inundated with owl orders from death eaters for similar pranks Fred and George were so happy they had to set up an entire new division especially for Dark Lords and Death Eaters it was a booming success much to the detriment of Voldemort.


	3. Nation Hug A Dark Lord Day

DISCLAIMER:I don't own Harry Potter, however I do own the cake recipe used in this chapter if you want it message me

**DISCLAIMER:**I don't own Harry Potter, however I do own the cake recipe used in this chapter if you want it message me.

**A.N.**I haven't updated for ages, and someone favorite this story yesterday and I was like people actually read this let alone favorite it so I decided to write a new chapter, you can all thank the member who favourited me for this: **serena7900**– Nvoll

**National Hug a Dark Wizard Day**

Many people at Hogwarts were rather disgusted with the sound coming out of moaning myrtles bathroom. It was a weird squelching sound that sounded absolutely horrible as they all gathered poor old myrtle was once again crying her little eyes out, but this time managed to get some mucus action in as well.

However if you were to go inside the bathroom you wouldn't see myrtle crying in there at all. In fact Myrtle was currently residing in the fifth cold tap from the left picking at a wart shed been meaning to get rid of before her death but was now stuck with for eternity.

What you would see was an entire mess of brown sticky goop, a roaring fire oven dragged out from somewhere in the 1700, or more likely the Hogwarts Kitchens, and two very dirty boys named Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley. Ron had finally hatched his own grate plan to destroy the un-relentless evil dark lord egomaniac that was Lord Voldemort.

Harry and Ron had set up a cake shop in moaning myrtles bathroom. There was no reason for choosing moaning myrtles bathroom over any other better and much more well equipped room in the castle other then for sentimental reasons.

Harry was mixing the batter furiously and then Ron would pour it into cake moulds, before throwing it into there ancient fire oven. And finally together they would ice and decorate.

"Harry STOP!" yelled Ron for what felt like the hundredth time and then slapped harry on the back of the head.

"Ouch, Ron what is it this time?"

"What is it this time?" asked Ron back sardonically, "Let me see, It might be you truly astounding ability to not use a piping bag Harry. Honestly its not that hard, Look at your V it looks more like a B and is that meant to be a love heart or a dog turd honestly how many time do I have to show you?" Said Ron as he proceeded to pipe perfect flowing script onto the cake.

"How in Merlin's saggy left ball do you know how to pipe icing onto a cake anyway Ron?" Asked Harry, looking at his friend a little worried and deciding next time it would be his plan cause he wasn't as big a control freak as Ron was.

"Honestly Harry, Look at my mother. She had us piping cake decorations while we were in our nappies. I hold the worlds under 3 month's old title for best cake decorating in the novelty division, and Charlie at the Age of 5 was named Pastry Chef Cake of the Year Award winner, and one it again five consecutive times until Fred and George took it from him. We all have prizes. Haven't you ever bothered to look in our display cabinets Harry?"

Harry being properly chastised just shrugged and continued to work trying to make his piping skills up to Ron's standards.

…..

Finally after 5 weeks of making cakes and Harry getting yelled at cause he didn't know how to sabayon or his icing was to heavy or he dropped a cake tin giving it a tiny dent that would cause imbalance in the cakes, they were finished and had ordered thousands of owls to carry out there handy work to the multitudes of wizards that lived in Great Britain. And because they were pissed off at Hermione at the moment they got all the house elves to deliver cakes to the students for the following day.

….

The dark lord was sitting on his ohh so magnificent throne that if you let him get sidetracked, he would give you a full 10 hour rendition on how he had transfigured it from one human skull into this ohh sooo magnificent piece of gothic art. And woe be you if you yawned cause they you would be transfigured into an ohh so magnificent gothic foot stool for his throne, he was really starting to have an issue with where to put all his newly created foot stools.

As he was contemplating his foot stool dilemma, wormtail (the only death eater thus far who hadn't yawned and looked truly enamored with his dark lord when being told about the throne, Even the Dark Lord was disturbed by this and considered turning him into a footstool for the heck of it but then again he already had a footstool problem and didn't need another one so he settled for the tried and true method of a good cursing) walked into the throne room with his lords breakfast and daily prophet.

"Here is your food and prophet my lord," said wormtail shakily and then he bolted for the door, which was strange though the dark lord cause he normally liked to pretend to be a footstool for his master while he read the prophet, ohh well no need to worry he thought he just accio'd one of the many footstools from his footstool cupboard being very careful to specify which one he wanted unlike the last time when he said accio footstool and all 300 of them came flying at him.

He opened his Daily Prophet and began to read.

**National Hug a Dark Lord Day Announced**

Earlier this morning wizards all over Great Britain received a most startling package. A cake hand made by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named himself. For those of you not aware all though where shore you all are, the cake had fine icing piping over it with intricate words scribed on top that said

'I'm Sorry for the pain I Have Caused, All I really want is a big Hug, My parents hated me no one ever loved me, I'm sorry. Please Love me, Lord Voldemort.'

There were also love hearts decorated around the cake, although some reports have come in that some cakes appear to have piped dog feces on them and the word Boldemort.

This is a huge startling revelation and an emergency press conference was called today by the re elected Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge ( for more details about the bizarre death of Rufus see pg 9 and for the astounding re-election of Fudge and him being backed by the Goblins see pg 10 for the mysterious disappearance of goblins and the strange goblin pies found at the Ministry Of Magic see pg 11) also in attendance was the Boy-Who-Lived Harry Potter and Headmaster of Hogwarts Dumbledore. Minister Fudge said "These cakes show the hardship that the poor creature we know as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is really just a scared little boy inside that big mean man, and really we should all be more considerate for him." Harry Potter Whole heartedly agreed saying "I agree, just like me he lost both his parents and I know how hard that is so I would like to announce that today is National Hug a Dark Wizard Day, so if you see him out on the streets go up and say hello and give him a big hug, and if he cries just pat his back and sing to him. I hear he likes twinkle twinkle little star" (for more dark lord soothing songs go to pg 23) Dumbledore stood by and twinkled his eyes (to find out how to twinkle your eyes buy our sister magazine Witch Glamour Product this week)

So go out there and Hug a Dark Lord. Also see page 23 where cake witch extraordinaire Molly Weasley gives her first five out of five whisks for this most delectable cake.

Voldemort put down the prophet and turned bright red, he was angry.

Just then an owl swooped in and dropped a cake on him on top it had a picture of his nemesis Harry Potter and his little friend Ronald Weasley, he noticed Harry's hair looked like a dog poo. Written underneath was have a good day and get hugged.

A strange sound emanated from within he castle a rumbling sound a deep rushing sound and before he knew it thousands of witches and wizards piled into his throne room all intent on hugging him and they all did, Voldemort was later found checking into St Mungos Rehab day center for de-hug-a-therapy.


End file.
